Today marks 275 days of Samantha taking growth hormone therapy, and what a journey it has been. We have a long way to go, probably about 2-3 more years, however I don't feel we could have made it this long without the support of family, friends, and those who read Samantha's blog and offer her encouragement, praise, and ask how she is doing when they see her.
This weekend Samantha struggled, once again, with what to wear for a simple Saturday and Sunday evening out with friends and family.
When you have grown 4 inches in 14 months you forget that your clothes which fit you a few months ago are too tight, too short, or just feel small. It's not a pleasant feeling at any age, especially at 12.
As a mother of a "tween" daughter the last thing I want to say is "that shirt looks too small" or "you may want to put on something more flattering", especially when I can't keep up with purchasing her clothes which fit her. There is no more "I can buy this now and in 3 months she will grow into it."
We have no idea what size she will be in a month or 2 from now and that is both in height and weight. What may look fine now may not be ideal in a month due to her body growing at a different pace and at a rate we cannot predict. One day she may not even respond to the medication she is taking and that will be the end of her treatment. Only time will tell.
Samantha has always been a thin child; and after taking growth hormone therapy for over 9 months she has started to become slightly more muscular in her build. This is expected because of what growth hormone therapy does, it increases muscle mass along with lengthening the bones. Samantha began as a petite and small-framed girl to a slightly talker and more athletic looking girl in a short period of time; and this transformation is at times scary for her especially because this is at the exact same time she already feels awkward!
Tonight Samantha, after her account about how stressed out she is with school, a month long reasearch project she has just been assigned (among other things) and told me that she doesn't like taking growth hormone therapy. She doesn't like having multiple bruises on her stomach where she gives herself her injections of medication. She showed me one bruise from a few days ago where she didn't quite administer the shot with necessary ease and blood seeped through the inner layers of her skin causing a nice size bruise (abut the size of nickel.) Who would? It happens ... and it's part of taking shots and being 12. I told her tonight I would give her a dosage of medication in her arm so that her stomach could get a bit of a rest. She agreed.
I am fortunate to have the most amazing cousin the world who took Samantha shopping yesterday while I was at work and found a few items for her. Samantha was over the moon and can't wait for the weekend so she can wear it.
I feel what she feels; however in a different way. I was the 3rd tallest girl in my class for all of middle school. I hated it. All I wanted to be was shorter. I had daydreams in middle and high school that my ideal height was 5'4" (which is hopefully what Samantha will be with her treatment. Without it she would not hit 5'). I was envious of them for not towering over the boys, and then look what happened: I married a man who is my height (on a good day) and probably had growth hormone deficiency himself. As my pediatrican told me long ago "if you wanted tall children you should have married a basketball player."
I've told Samantha of my experience of feeling awkward by being too tall and that my mom gave me terrible hair cuts and permed my hair at age 9 (yes age 9) which I hated, and will continue to tell her about the ups and downs of my experience of being a teen. We live in a society where we focus more on the visual characterizes of others instead of the internal ones which are the ones which truly matter. What Samantha doesn't realize is that she is one heck of a 12-year old young lady. She can be small or tall and anywhere in between and no matter her height she is larger than life and lights up a room with her smile and positive attitude.
After Samantha spent time talking to me about her being stressed out about sdhool, finals (in 8
Weeks), her upcoming weekend music festival with her school, and how anxious she is about juggling homework and a month-long research assignment I told her "you WILL get it all done with planning and sticking to your plan."
I believe her feelings about how she is growing are more related to being a12 year old girl instead of due to her hormone therapy treatment (which is speeding up the process of growing in height and weight and not increasing the onset of adolescence). She is used to being a petite person and now she is starting to look like a regular-sized girl. Change is hard - even when it is a positive one.
My goal is to celebrate Samantha and have her realize to be proud of who she is in her own skin: whether or not she is too small or too big for her liking on any given day.
I hope and pray I am providing her the love and support she needs. She is such a precious gift and I don't want anything to crush her amazing and overall positive spirit and drive to be the best Samantha she can be.
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